Theory of Intelligent Falling

I think it's about time we did away with this whole outdated "gravity" idea, don't you?

Seriously, what kind of moron actually believes that there's some kind of magical, invisible pulling force between any two massive objects? Why only two? What idiot came up with the idea that massive bodies warp spacetime in their vicinity, creating a greater potential as you get closer to the mass in question? Come on, has anyone ever actually seen a four-dimensional space!?

Let's be candid: Gravity is a theory, not a fact; and we shouldn't be teaching it to young children as such. Most students in science class have never even heard of Intelligent Faller theory; much less studied it. They're taught that some mystical "gravitational" force (whose origin, by the way, we have not determined) pulls objects downwards with a force proportional to the product of their masses, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. What jackass came up with that theory!?

This so-called "Gravity" fails to explain the notable absence of "transitional fallers." Instead, all objects fall into one of two classifications: fallers or non-fallers. Gravity fails to explain why a helium-filled balloon, possessing mass, fails to fall. Furthermore, it fails to explain one of the glaring errors of its own theory; the fact that all objects fall at the same rate. If the force is proportional to the mass of one of the objects, a object twice as massive should fall twice as fast; in direct contradiction to observed data.

Come on, people, this isn't how science is done! Science deals with facts and proof, not theories and evidence.

No, clearly, the only explanation which completely describes falling objects is that G-, I mean, an Intelligent Faller makes them fall.

This is really the only explanation that makes sense. Really, how dumb would we all have to be to believe that objects fall automatically, when the Bib-, I mean, when it's obvious that ther's a devi-, I mean, an ultra-intelligent invisible hand pushing objects into the ground?

We hereby propose that Intelligent Faller theory be immediately included in the science curriculum to be taught side-by-side with the so-called theory of "gravity." Students should be taught how holes in the theory of gravity can be filled simply by invoking a dei-, um, assuming the existence of an Intelligent Faller. We suggest that students become familiar with the Intelligent Faller theory, and how data published in approximately 300 CE clearly supports the existence of an Intelligent Faller.

As final proof of the existence of an Intelligent Faller; one who can make objects fall or not fall for those of True Fai-, um, those who understand his theory, we hereby propose that all students who study Intelligent Falling Theory be required immediately to jump off the nearest tall structure.