Red Tape.

I hate beurocracy. That's really the only way of putting it. I really, really, really hate beurocracy. I hate that there seem to be people out there whose only apparent purpose in life is to make sure that as many obstacles as humanly possible exist between me and whatever I'm attempting to accomplish.

Yes, I hate beurocracy.

Don't get me wrong, I dislike a lot of things, but one of the few things I can actually use the word hate for is beurocracy.

So I get an Email from our animal care center asking me to clarify a few things about the use of animals in our experimentation. We get these every once in a while. I think it's just the Animal Care center's way of telling us that they own our asses. As much as we deny that fact. They really are the most powerful people in the building. With a select few exceptions, they can effectively shut down research in any laboratory in the building with the stroke of a pen, simply by denying them the use of animals.

Don't get me wrong. I'm rather happy that they do do this. It makes sure that we're treating our animals with humanity and dignity. This needs to be assured since our experiments have a 100% fatality rate. We're doing experiments on rat hearts. Since the procedure requires the removal of the rat's heart, the rat itself is usually somewhat non-viable, and we, as a lab, have often gone to what many would consider ridiculous lengths to ensure that the animal feels no discomfort. In part because any person in our lab has the power to pull the plug on any research being done here, and not one person in our lab would hesitate to do it if they felt we were being inhumane.

That part, I agree with. But every so often, we get a message from the animal care center asking us to clarify a few issues about our protocol. Ugh. First off, this usually occurs about five months after the protocol has been accepted. Which means, in a perfect world, we would have used approximately half the rats our protocol asked for. Likewise, they ask questions which are so assinine and so vague that you have absolutely no chance of ever responding to them in a satisfactory manner.

1) Justify the use of animals in your research.

Insufficient number of humans we don't like.

2) Justify the number of animals used in your research.

Large number of rats we don't like.

3) What happens to the animals after an unsuccessful procedure?

They die.

4) What are the criteria for describing a procedure as successful?

They die, and we get good cells from them.

5) Describe anesthesia.

Anesthesia: A state of depressed neural activity, often associated with preoperative preparation, or beurocrats.

6) Describe analgesia.

Analgesia: Absence or relief of painful stimulus, such as that felt when I am done jumping through beurocratic hoops.

7) Describe narcotics used.

THP, Heroin, Cocaine, MethCathanone... Oh, you mean for the rats? None.

8) Which antibiotic agents are to be used for this protocol?

Refer to Question 4.

9) Describe the anticipated condition of the animal following a successful procedure.

a) absence of breathing or heartbeat
b) absence of heart
c) exponential decay of body temperature from 37 C to room temperature as a function of time
d) total lack of response to painful stimulus
e) total lack of response to pleasurable stimulus
f) severe reduction of arterial and venous circulation
g) systolic blood pressure=0
h) diastolic blood pressure=0
i) anoxia in all tissues
j) cessation of digestive processes.
k) cessation of kidney function
l) cessation of hormonal activity
m) cessation of liver function
n) loss of pancreatic response
p) absence of measureable neural activity in central nervous system
q) absence of measureable neural activity in peripheral nervous system
r) rigor mortis

Unbe-fricking-lievable. And the questions don't get any better as you go along. It's annoying.