I get an Email from my Graduate Coordinator congratulating me on successfully passing my candidacy exam. For a single, terrified, instant I was afraid that they were about to inform me that my candidacy exam had been declared invalid because I'd brought in my own dry-erase markers or something. That would be pretty consistent with the level of Red Tape I've had to deal with just to get this exam to happen. But I digress.
Apparently, I'm required to sit for a photograph and have them snap a picture of me so that they can post it up somewhere to let the world know that I have successfully passed my candidacy exam.
Which raises the obvious question: what if I don't want the world to know?
I've gone to a great deal of trouble (some would describe it as obsessive) to operate as low-profile as I possibly can. I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to be as invisible as I possibly can in this building, for the simple reason that I quite possibly have the single most recognizable last name in this building. My dad's worked here for 35 years. You ask any 50 professors about my last name, and I guarantee you that a minimum of 49 will recognize it.
I also lack a common last name like "Smith," where I could just claim that the similarity in our names is a coincidence.
To say that I've spent a lot of energy making sure that as few people as is humanly possible actually know my last name is a colossal understatement. I've given nineteen different seminars for various reasons in the three years I've been here. I have the powerpoint files from all nineteen. All nineteen have one notable omission: my name; and it's not accidental. Unfortunately, there are a few places that I can't get around; my classes, my committee, my graduate coordinator and department chair. The way I see it, nobody else needs to know. I'm perfectly happy being an anonymous guy who shows up for work every morning, publishes a couple of papers by noon, and heads home every night. That's an image I can live with. A recognizable face; an unknown name.
So, I'm trying to figure out a way to tell my graduate coordinator that I appreciate the offer, but I'd really rather not have my picture taken. And in a way that I won't insult or piss anyone off.
Here's my first draft:
Unfortunately, in an incident involving an improperly-discarded banana peel, a fllight of stairs, a laptop computer, and a four-year-old Cocker Spaniel, I have recently broken my nose, and am now wearing a large white bandage which covers a sizeable portion of my face. I could appear for a photography session, but the resulting photograph would be utterly unrecognizable as me.
If a photograph is absolutely necessary, I offer the following recommendation: acquire a photograph from the archives; preferably of someone who graduated many years ago, and use their photograph in my place. Since nobody actually looks at these things anyway, I cannot imagine that this will cause any trouble. We could start a pool to see if anyone actually notices.
I thank you for your time,
Drew
Well, it's a first draft. Maybe subsequent drafts will improve upon it. The only disadvantage to this approach that I can think of is that I will have to wear a bandage on my face until they forget about the photograph; but I can live with that.
6 comments:
Too bad your dad is such a prick that you would rather not be associated with him.
People who know you will in fact know you, and those papers you publish at noon everyday will carry your trademark.
I suggest you find a boyfriend and get married, take his last name of course.
There is a student in the microbiology department of U of C with your last name. Is he your brother? Given the apparent rarity of your name one might assume so.
I do realize you share the same first name with your father, and a reluctance to divulge both I might understand, but I am assuming you are still going by Droo?
Anyway your dad works in an entirely different department do you really think the physics folk know of him... I mean come on!
With the minor problem that I'm not in the physics department, I'm actually in the faculty of Medicine.
And no, it's not that my dad's a prick; actually, I have the utmost respect for him. I've just spent the last three years trying to work my way out from under his shadow.
That and I'm sure that someday I'll have a prof that my dad either flunked once upon a time; or who got turned down for med school. A prof with a grudge is exactly what I need.
You don't have much faith in people eh? A prof with a grudge against your father and his entire family... I mean come on!
It's too bad you have the same name as someone who's influence you are trying to escape. I have desperately tried to escape my dad's influence . . . and discovered that the harder I try to remove myself from him (or his influence from me), the less I stand out as an individual, and the more I stand out as someone trying to escape their upbringing.
You won't get out of any shadow or put your stamp on any new territory by not putting your name to your work. It doesn't matter who's shadow is longer in the end. As an academic, don't you want to be making contacts and furthering studies attached to your name? Your dad is only important to your contacts inasmuch as he is your dad.
You can take what you have learned as his son and ignore it, or use it to your benefit. The people who hold sway over your work already know your name. It is up to you how you wear it.
That said, you could always cash in your name for a symbol or something. You could be "The academic formerly known as Droo".
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